Things they don't tell new moms

Several of my friends are expecting and due very soon or just had babies.  And lots and lots of us have small children and are going through that insanity all together.  I decided I would dedicate a blog post to non-traditional advice.  Here are some of the most useful things I was told, or I seriously wish someone had told me so I didnt feel like an idiot or like a horrible mom.  These are my top 10 pieces of advice for new moms (dads, too, but this is written with moms in mind).

1) Your kid will roll off the bed, couch, or changing table, eat dirt, hit his or her head, swallow a non-food item, bleed on occasion, and otherwise attempt to maim himself/herself.  This is normal.  This does NOT make you a bad parent or neglectful.  Someone once told me that moms in Africa let their babies touch the fire once so they learn not to touch fire.  This is how they learn, and truly, what doesn't kill them makes them stronger.  Babies are built to learn things the hard way.  And you CAN NOT watch them every second.  See also: running fevers, diaper rashes, and throwing huge tantrums in the middle of the store.

2) You will hate your baby from time to time.  Some people feel it more than others, but at some point you will probably be so exhausted, frustrated, confused, and overwhelmed, you will want to give your child away or maybe even be tempted to do something like throw them out the window (my personal feelings on many an occasion when little man would not sleep for love or money).  This is normal.  You aren't a bad mom.  The thoughts are super scary, but you wont hurt your baby (if you think you will, seek counseling - the feelings are still normal but you could probably use some help).  You are totally capable, and you CAN do this, but you need a break.  Go get a friend, dad, your parents, a neighbor, anyone.  Take a few minutes to yourself, and longer if you can.  If no one else is around, put the baby in a safe place like the carseat (inside only please) or crib and take a break.  Go to a place you cannot hear him or her and breathe.  Don't watch the clock, just chill for a little while until you feel better.  You still need a real break later, but that will help get you through.  When you can, take a long shower, go shopping, or do something without baby for a while and focus on you.  You need breaks, and your baby needs to get used to periods where you are unavailable.  (my mom said she wanted to smother me with a pillow once just so I would stop crying... not really maliciously, but still shocking unless you are living it!)

3) You deserve to have a partner for night feedings.  So many moms who are on maternity or stay at home feel that if dad is getting up to go to work, he must sleep undisturbed all night.  WRONG!  If you are bottle feeding, let dad take a shift overnight.  If you are nursing, try what hubs and I did - he woke up and diapered, then I nursed little man back to sleep and put him back in his cosleeper.  The little extra help kept me from waking up totally, so all of us fell asleep faster.  Do what works for you, but just because he is at work does not make dad unavailable at night.

4) Keep an extra outfit in the diaper bag.  Not for the baby; that goes without saying.  I am talking about YOU.  And as soon as you leave it in the trunk of your car someone else will drive.  And there is nothing worse than smelling like poop from a blowout diaper or like vomit from that one last burp at a fun party that you really don't want to leave because its the first one you've been to in weeks.  Wearing your old gym shirt is better.  I promise.

5) You do not need every dang gadget on the face of the planet. Baby manufacturers do not make products to make your life easier.  They exist for one purpose only: to separate you from your money.  Aside from the basics like a crib, carseat, and high chair, stuff that you do need you can probably borrow.  I have a swing up for grabs.  And let other people buy the toys.  If you have any surviving family members they will spoil the heck out of that kid.

6) Ask for help.  You can't possibly do all the laundry, make meals, take care of older kids, blah blah blah, and be superwoman.  Women before us had sisters, mothers, in laws, friends, etc to help them with new babies.  We as modern women need to learn to ask for help.  Chances are all of the above would LOVE a little face time with the new baby while you shower or would love to come over and bring you a lasagna and give a kissy and a snuggle to the bundle of joy.  The flip side of this one is that people are NOT allowed to come see the baby unless they do something for you, ie: bring food, clean something, baby sit, etc.  People will break your door down wanting to visit.  Put those visitors to work!  They probably don't mind and even if they do, that will just ensure they don't come back to bug you.

7)  They will not remember their first birthday.  Or Christmas.  Or Easter, or Valentine's Day, or Groundhog Day, or Arbor day.  Don't panic if you don't pull out all the stops for every holiday.  Sometimes you're just too tired, and that is okay.  A quiet little gathering at home with just you two or three is just fine.  No one will be disappointed.  Promise.  In ten years no one will even remember.

8) No one knows your baby better than you do.  Read all the books you want, listen to the doctors, listen to parents, friends, strangers, but follow your heart.  Your mother's intuition and what you feel is right for you and your baby is almost always the best answer.  I hesitate to say always for fear of the exception trolls, but in my experience, always. Parenting comes with some tough decisions: cosleeping, feeding, discipline, teaching, potty training... Others know what worked for them, what worked for the majority, or what works scientifically, but only you know what works for your family.  With that, ignore any conflicting advice, including the ones listed here as it applies.  Tell pushy advice givers that you will "take that under consideration" to get out of agreeing with them.

9) Your nursery does not need to look like it fell out of the pages of a magazine.  Buy stuff that you can second hand, so long as it is safe, in good condition, and not recalled or anything.  Not everything has to match or follow a theme (or even be gender appropriate colors).  It will be a whole lot easier to dress your baby in a fancy dress that will probably be pooped and spit up on inside of 5 minutes when you only paid $5 and not $50 for it.  It will stress you out much much less when something does get ruined.  Plus, other babies only stay in clothes for about 5 minutes, too, so many used clothes look brand new because they were only worn once!  And trust me, your son doesn't care that he is eating off of bunny rabbit plates and got dried off with a pink towel.  It will not scar him for life.

10) He/She is just a BABY.  Babies don't do naughty or annoying things on purpose.  They don't wait till you are eating to be hungry or wake up 6 times between 1 and 5 AM just to spite you.  It will feel like it.  But when you are at the end of your rope, take a break and tell yourself that he or she is just a helpless little one and that you mean everything to him or her, and that is why he or she wont sleep unless you are right there.  Remember how you looked forward to meeting him or her and relish the sweet moments where you are the center of his or her world.


Well, those are my top 10.  What is your advice for new moms/dads?

Simple Halloween Costume

I'm Pregnant.  About 7 months along now.  Halloween is hands down my favorite holiday.  Unfortunately for me, "Mean Girls" had it right - all Halloween is, for youngish women at least, is an excuse to wear a slutty outfit and some animal ears.  For years, I have not been above that.  I've been a sexy kitty, a playboy bunny, a tiger, catwoman...  And then some non animal things like a sexy vampire, or reusing my ren faire costume.  Don't worry, it was still sexy.  Corsets shove your boobs up. :-)

It looks like I will have to leave the sexy to the other women in the world this year.  I am too round to be classified as "sexy" I think.

I hate buying commercial costumes because they are so cheaply made and cost so much, but it doesn't matter this year anyway.  There is no such thing as a maternity costume.  Apparently my only option while preggers is to buy a plus sized costume.  Well, my belly may be round, but the rest of me is far from plus size and I doubt that is a viable option for me.  I did scope Target.com for some ideas about what to be, and I found a cute little number that will be empire waisted enough to flow over the curves.  A greek/roman goddess.  Yay for feminine and pretty and still a little sexy!

Since a pattern wont fit me without major modifications, I decided to wing it.  Its a simple enough silhouette, so I should be able to make it work, right?  Feel free to make it short and save on fabric.

Self-Faced Greek/Roman Goddess Dress Costume
You will need:
about 4-5 yards of white cotton fabric, either 45 or 60 inches wide is fine
a belt, pretty sash, chain, or ribbon to cinch the waist
a top (or dress) with a cowl neckline that fits you well
dressmaker's pencil, chalk, or fabric pen with disappearing ink for tracing lines
a good pair of shears - you will be cutting through 4 layers of fabric
sewing machine and thread
serger (optional)

Step 1: Lay out your fabric.  To make your outfit the most symmetrical possible, fold it in half long ways (if you bought it on a standard bolt, you can use the center fold line from that).  Place your top on the fabric.  The midline of the top should match up with the center fold of the fabric.  Leave some extra fabric sticking out above the top for the self facing.  For how much extra to leave, see step 5.

Mine is not centered over the fabric because this is a non maternity top and I needed it to go round the belly!

Step 2:  Trace around the outside of the top.  Leave a seam allowance of about 5/8" while you trace around, except for the top of the neckline which should stay straight across.

Step 3:  Measure how much skirt length you will need.  Measure from where the shirt ends on you to where you want the skirt to end and add just a little bit for a hem.  I made mine floor length and needed to add 35".  Mark the length and use a straight edge to draw a line across the whole width of the fabric.

Step 4:  Now you get to freehand the silhouette of the skirt.  Connect the line from tracing the top to the hemline.  Depending on how full you want the skirt and how wide your fabric is, you may want to run it all the way out to the selvage edge, but you may want to make it a little more tapered, depending on your preference.  I ran mine out all the way to the selvage edge.  I also didn't follow the line of the top very well since it doesn't actually fit me, but you get the idea.

Step 5:  Now that you have your outline drawn, you are ready to cut!  To create the self facing top, you will need to fold under the top edge of the fabric at the neckline so you are cutting an extra layer.  This actually means that you are cutting through 4 layers of fabric since it is already folded in half.  Make sure there is enough overlap to reach just below the armhole edges.

Cut along your traced lines.

 When you open out the facing, it will look like this:

Step 6:  Use your cutout as a template for the back of the dress.  I made mine a lot narrower since I am pregnant and it saves on fabric not to have so much extra width, but you can just reuse the same shape.  Cut an exact replica on the fold again so you have 2 of the same piece.

Step 7:  Now we get to the sewing part!  Unfold the two pieces.  Finish the top edge of the facing for both.  Either run it through a serger or create a narrow hem so the edge does not fray.  It doesn't have to be beautiful as it will be turned to the inside, but you don't want the facing falling apart.

Step 8:  With right sides together, fold the facing toward the dress along the neck edge.  Pin the facing and the dress together along the armhole edges.  Stitch the armhole edges together at the 5/8" seam allowance.  Stitch again, close to the stitching inside the seam allowance and trim the seam.  Repeat for both sides and for front and back.  Turn the facing right side out.

I pinned the extra down the side, but do not stitch there.  Only stitch the curved armhole edge!

double stitch to reinforce and then trim so you can turn the facing in.  If it still wont turn, clip the curve.

Step 9: Along the shoulder seams there will now be a kind of "pocket".  To stitch the shoulder seams, you will have to fold the seam allowance of the back piece into the pocket and slip the seam allowance of the front piece into the opening.  Make sure the shoulder widths of the two pieces are even by sliding the pieces together or apart as needed, then top stitch them together.  Repeat for both sides.

Edges are not yet even, slide them around until they match up!

Step 10:  Match up front and back side seams of dress and stitch along seam allowance from armhole edge to hem.  Make sure you catch the piece of facing that overlaps and stitch that along with the side seams to hold it down.

Step 11: Try on dress. If needed, trim the hem a little so it falls where you want it to fall, and to make it even.  The hem may not be perfectly straight since we did not curve the lower edge, but it should be close enough. If it really bugs you, feel free to tinker! :-)  Hem the lower edge and you are done!

Step 12:  Put dress on and use the belt or ribbon or whatever to tie around your waist or just under the bust for an empire waist.  Adjust the fullness of the neckline to suit you and admire your hard work!

Bottom Line:
5 yards fabric at $2/yd = $10 (Use muslin or bargain bin fabric for this!  I used some stash fabric I have had since 2005.  No cost to me! YAY!)
Total cost: $10
Total time: about 3 hours, including figuring out how to cut and assemble.  Should be less for you!

My neckline was a little too loose when I bent over, but I don't think hubby minded looking down my dress all day.  My armholes were a little snug, too, so I went back and made them a little larger.  If you don't have a cowl neck top to copy, just make a straight line across the top and try using the armhole outline from another sleeveless top.  Copy the general shape of my layout and you should be okay.  This isn't high fashion quality sewing... its meant to be an alternative to a bedsheet with eyes cut out!

A few general notes: the self facing may seem like a pain to cut and sew, but it will prevent you from having to bind all your edges, which I absolutely hate doing, as well as allow for a second layer of fabric along the bust which adds to modesty.  You choose which you prefer and roll with it.  If you are tracing a stretchy top, beware!  If it has to stretch to fit you, leave some extra in there otherwise the non stretchy cotton will not fit! Also, whcn choosing fabric, don't pick something so cheap that it is see thru!  Good Luck!

Happy Halloween!